I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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