ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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