So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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