So gin and wine won't be happening again
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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