Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
