I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I love you.
Bad choice
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
