he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
