everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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