Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I understand Curling. That high.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
