I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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