i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
