im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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