I am puke
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
