you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
