She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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