I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
