Swine flu. Run for my life!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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