i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Randomize
