I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize