Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
