I'm so fucking centered right now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
