The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
