Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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