ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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