1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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