I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
