youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
is that a dick in a sweater?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
