You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
