i think i have herpe
just one?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
