I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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