I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
