When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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