A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
smell my finger.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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