just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
