I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I feel like abortions should bother me more
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
