Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
