PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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