Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
