Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's never too late to be topless.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
