im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize