I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
