just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
