she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize