Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
