a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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