I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
