So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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