I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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