Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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