so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
