quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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