you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
