She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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