I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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