Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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