Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
