I accidentally had phone sex last night
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
