Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
