and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
