tonight lets celebrate not being married
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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