my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
