she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
