when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
